80 Deliciously Petty Instagram Captions to Own That Attitude

Let’s face it — a mischievous streak of pettiness hides in the depths of all our souls. Most of us…

Let’s face it — a mischievous streak of pettiness hides in the depths of all our souls. Most of us have become experts at silencing that petty inner voice, tucking it away like pros to navigate polite society (until we come up against a terrible driver in a traffic jam, of course).

But who says we can’t unleash that petty side now and again? There’s a time and place for everything, including good-natured (maybe?) banter and sarcastic playfulness. You bet, friends! The time is now, and the place is your unsuspecting, innocent Instagram feed.

That’s right! Instagram’s a place where your pettiness isn’t just tolerated, but outright celebrated! Think of that feed as the personal canvas where you’ll paint your pettiest jabs. The rule of the game is simple — if you’re going to mock others, you’ve got to subject yourself to a little pain, too. Make it clever, make it fun, and just for the hell of it, make your petty Instagram captions sting a little!

Have you buried your inner Queen of Petty so deep that you need a treasure map to find her? Have you also made a solemn vow not to cross the line into that deep, dark, savage territory that could actually cause serious offense?

No worries. We’ve got you, one deliciously petty caption at a time! Stay edgy, friends, and kick your jab fest off with these extremely petty captions for Instagram!

First Things First: Defining ‘Petty’ in Instagram Culture

You know what “petty” means in the everyday world — it’s that time you remind yourself of your siblings’ stupidest childhood fails when they criticize one of your recent ones, or the moment you start labeling everything at the office fridge because “that” coworker helped himself to that leftover donut.

What about Instagram? Aim for witty, sarcastic, and playful, and steer clear of genuinely offensive or hurtful commentary that could carry over to “IRL.” If you want to bring in those likes and comments, it always helps to mock yourself twice as hard when you make your Instagram captions petty.

With that out the way, let’s have some (definitely harmless) fun and craft your next petty Instagram caption together!

Petty Captions for Instagram for Friends and Frenemies

1. You know you’ve hit the friend jackpot when she spots her own long-lost book on your shelf and asks if she can borrow it. Sure, fren. Just make sure to return it within two weeks or pay a fine… because library rules, even for friends.

2. Like pennies, frenemies are worthless and two-faced. Thank God I struck gold with this crew of friends who know their worth!

3. It’s not that I like you. It’s just that you keep the more annoying people away, and for that, you’ve earned a place in my life.

4. I carefully selected you to make my flaws look better. Thanks for helping me shine and making me appear perfect!

5. They say friends are the family you choose. Consider that when I say you’re like a brother to me.

6. Remember that time in high school when you poked fun at my new specs, and I didn’t speak to you for a week? Ah, those petty days!

7. When you find the kinds of friends who know where the bodies are buried but don’t dig them up… tell them, when you scratch their car, that it was just friendly fire.

8. Technically, friendship isn’t about who’s walked with you the longest but who’s stepped into the strangest places with you and somehow survived.

9. TL’DR: Blablabla. The rest is just noise. But my real friends know the juiciest bits are in the blablabla.

10. Best friends fight over who to hold your hair when you’re sick, and also about who does it better.

Petty Instagram Captions for Lazy Sundays

11. Calls mom across town: “Hand me the remote, thanks.”

12. Here’s a picture of some lovely avocado toast. Pretend my brunch is just as fancy as yours. (Slurps ramen.)

13. Sure, your lunch outfit rocks, but have you seen my PJs? Look! I’ve even got matching socks!

14. Sunday goals: Jog, laundry, Netflix. Sunday reality: Netflix, Netflix, Netflix. But the Roomba hoovered!

15. Sorry to cancel. I had something very important to do, as this picture proves.

16. But look, Ma! I made a to-do list! That’s plenty adulting for today, isn’t it?

17. But I saved the world twice over… in Minecraft.

18. I’m such a pro that I procrastinate about procrastinating.

19. Yes, I did chores. I called the laundry service to come collect.

20. Sorry, my couch and I already made an appointment six months ago.

Petty Baddie Instagram Captions About Office Politics and Coworkers

21. It’s all work hard, play hard with you, isn’t it? Without the work? I guess someone’s got to keep the “play” in “workplace.”

22. I don’t come to work to play games. I come to annoy you. Work is just a side effect.

23. Sure, you can have some of my lasagna, but can you be absolutely sure I didn’t lick it first? Just saying, I can be petty like that.

24. I noticed you left me off the email list. Thanks for that subtle reminder of your respect.

25. That picture of my dog would look lovely on your desk, don’t you think? Maybe it would bring some joy to your work.

26. Yes, but have you tried turning it off and on again?

27. We did great work today, you and me. It’s all “watch and learn.” You learned, and I watched.

28. Just relax, OK? — Chief Relaxation Officer

29. Less gossip, more success. But you do you. I’ll do work.

30. That’s why I work from home. Thanks for asking.

Petty Instagram Captions About Sibling Rivalry

31. Same roots, different branches. Very different.

32. Sibling love: As messy as you. But hey, we wouldn’t have it any other way.

33. I’ll gladly save your life when you give me that one dress back. It’s a fair trade, right?

34. The best thing about having siblings is effortlessly looking superior. Thanks for making me shine!

35. I laugh at you, brother, not with you. It’s a unique kind of affect

36. Blood really is “thicker” than water… here’s the proof!

37. We stick together like… jeans to your skin after heavy rain.

38. Proof that duct tape fixes everything, including those petty sibling squabbles.

39. They say there’s nothing as wonderful as a sibling who just gets you. I wouldn’t know.

40. You’re my ride or die, but I’m not sure I’d survive.

Petty Captions for Instagram About Game Nights

41. Nobody beats me… House rules and all that.

42. I’m in it to win it and I won’t back down. Prepare for an epic showdown.

43. But if you read the rules carefully, you’ll see that… I’m still the reigning champion.

44. No! We agreed on best of three! And I fully intend to stick to that agreement.

45. If you beat me, don’t expect me to pretend I don’t care.

46. Pro tip: Always have a backup game if your first choice doesn’t work out in your favor.

47. Sun Tzu, the Art of War: “Supreme excellence is breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting…. With pizza, if necessary.”

48. Game night. Where friendships are tested and enemies born.

49. The kid gloves are coming off…

50. The real victory lies in the perpetual bragging rights.

Petty Instagram Captions for Haters

51. I’ve already reached my quota of tears for the year, sorry. Your negative vibes don’t make the cut.

52. Sure, believe in yourself. I sure won’t do it for you. Confidence is key, right?

53. Oops… I’m pretty sure no filter can fix that for you. It’s not just the image that needs work.

54. It’s a beautiful day to block you. Keeping my beautiful social media garden pest-free.

55. Keep calm and confidently understand not everyone appreciates your multitude of gifts.

56. What was that? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my victory dance!

57. Sure, I’ll pencil that in right next to “clean nails” and “conquer the world.”

58. Thanks for your feedback, but please continue to work on your maturity. Constructive criticism is always welcome!

59. Ah, so that’s what that block function is for? Thanks for enlightening me!

60. Could you please turn the light off on your way out? Thank you!

Petty Captions for Instagram About Frustrating Everyday Situations

61. No, that “button press fest” won’t make the elevator come faster, but thanks for trying, I guess.

62. These mismatched socks? That’s the new trend, and you’re way behind!

63. I know you don’t understand my hobbies. Not everyone can be awesome.

64. It’s called “coffee stain chic,” darling. Who needs a dry cleaner, anyway?

65. Just remember, cat… zoom at 3 am, skip breakfast because mommy needs to sleep in.

66. Hi, neighbor! Your stories about your oh-so-successful granddaughter really make my day! Truly, I live for those moments!

67. It’s called “parallel parking,” not “parallel universe.”

68. Ah, you’re right on time, traffic! I was beginning to worry I missed the car concert!

69. Excuse me, but I didn’t order rain today. Can I speak to the manager?

70. Teen: “I tried, OK?” Me: “Gold star for effort, but the medal for success is just a few tries away!”

Petty Instagram Captions for Selfies

71. Don’t worry, be petty.

72. I’m petty. No, you can’t do anything about it.

73. Pretty with a hint of f*** you.

74. Mine’s better than yours. Just saying.

75. Selfie game strong, mind games stronger.

76. You’ll have to beg me to quit to get ahead.

77. You can live that way if that’s what you call fun.

78. OK, thanks for the advice, but I still like this better.

79. I’ll get around to liking your post once I’m done with these selfies.

80. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the pettiest of them all?

FAQ About Petty Instagram Captions

How should I use this list of petty captions for Instagram?

Use these petty Instagram captions in any way you like! We had fun writing these petty captions for Instagram, and we hope you’ll have just as much fun strategically deploying them to your feed! Of course, feel free to mix and match elements or add your own petty take!

How can I write my own petty captions for Instagram?

Writing a petty Instagram caption is ridiculously easy — take those “junk drawer” thoughts you usually keep inside, and let them shine on Instagram! To maintain a playful tone that ensures you don’t truly end up offending your followers, pile the sarcasm on so thick it drips off every word.

Are petty Instagram captions a good way to engage my followers?

You’d be surprised! We all have petty impulses, and when you make your Instagram captions petty with a cherry on top, most of your followers will immediately enjoy the vibe you’ve got going on. Watch those comments flood in, and wait… before you know it, you’ll have trouble writing anything else.

What hashtags should I include in my next petty Instagram caption?

You have a whole array of deliciously petty options! Try #pettyaf, #pettypost, #pettylife, #followme, #teampetty, #instagramattitude, or #facts, for example!

These hashtags serve three purposes. They broadcast your petty captions for Instagram to the world, leave your followers in no doubt that you’re purposely being petty, and add a touch of humor to your caption.